


Feel Again

by kleinepfoetchen



Category: Castle
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-17
Updated: 2013-09-19
Packaged: 2017-12-26 21:10:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/970327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kleinepfoetchen/pseuds/kleinepfoetchen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Summary: Some feelings are suppressed, some are supposed to stay hidden, but eventually, they all find their way back to the surface.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.  
> Author's note: Set after episode 4x09 Kill Shot.

Even if one tried to see a situation as a whole, some details might easily slip through almost unnoticed. With a sniper in the city and a traumatized Beckett, who was dealing with the aftermaths of being a victim herself, the team’s focus had shifted elsewhere. There had been too much to pay attention to, the pressure of catching the killer and getting their friend back on track had been enough of a challenge. That she wasn’t the only affected one hadn’t even come to their mind for most of the time.

Ryan had been the first one to notice, which hadn’t been much of a surprise as Esposito had always been the one he had paid attention to the most. The fact that they had been out of synch for a short period of time hadn’t changed that. Weeks had passed since the event that had briefly shaking up their friendship. Beckett hadn’t been released from the hospital yet, the emotions were still running wild, and both had been in desperate need of comfort.

They had agreed to view it as a one-night-stand, and, most likely due to the fact that everything had been upside down back then anyway, they had easily found their way back to their old dynamic. In times like that, they needed each other after all. More than ever. And even though they knew something had changed, they were willing to ignore it for the sake of this desperately needed friendship.

Ryan had noticed the way Esposito’s behaviour was changing a long time before anyone else did. While Beckett was slowly getting better, obviously finally accepting her therapist’s help, his friend was heading into the opposite direction. He had noticed the mood changes first. His thoughts drifted off more than usually, he snapped faster, was startled far too easily.

And of course, no attempt at making the man open up about what was bothering him, no matter how subtle or direct it might be, would work. Instead, the worse Esposito’s condition was getting, the more he was starting to avoid everyone, his closest friend included. Until he stayed away from work completely. No message, no nothing informed the team what had happened, except a short note from Gates, who said he had called in sick. Castle and Beckett had been satisfied with the answer. 

Unlike Ryan. At this point, he knew something definitely wasn’t right. Gates was as stubborn as his friend though, firmly refusing to confirm or deny if Esposito had explained his wish to stay at home any further. The man himself didn’t bother to answer his phone, which did nothing to ease Ryan’s engagement though.

He waited for another two days until he had enough. Not bothering to either keep on calling a phone that wouldn’t be answered of subtly questioning the Captain, who’d give him a look as if she would personally kick him out of her office every second, he drove straight to his partner’s apartment. There was a reason why they had exchanged apartment keys after all. Without any hesitation he let himself into the building, and then, without a knock, unlocked the door.

He found the apartment in exactly the shape he had expected. Take-out boxes could be found on almost every available surface, along with dirty plates. What caught his attention the most though were the empty bottles of beer. Mentally, he sighed at the sight in front of him, wishing he had made this stubborn decision a few days earlier, wishing he had just followed his instinct.

After all, he had been the only one who had noticed the changes in the first place. A thick feeling of discomfort was rising deep within him as he walked further into the apartment. The case had claimed their whole attention. So had Beckett, who had hardly been able to deal with her demons. Esposito had eventually helped her with that. But no one had noticed how his own demons had come back to the surface as well. And still didn’t.

He found his friend spread across his couchk, half asleep, so he assumed. Releasing another sigh, Ryan stepped closer. More than once, he had been allowed to look behind the thick wall Esposito had created around himself somewhere along the line. He had shared stories of his past with him: even those painful ones that would occasionally haunt him at night. He had seen him hurting, but never before, he had seemed to look so broken.

And Ryan didn’t know what to do. His instinct was voicing its opinion, but so was his rational mind. Should he say something? And if so, what did one say in situations like that? The instinct believed that nothing he could say right now would be of any help though. His friend didn’t need phrases that some therapist had once believed would be the most comforting. He didn’t need to remind Esposito that he shouldn’t drown his pain in alcohol and restless nights on his couch but should talk about whatever was bothering him, because his friend was very well aware of it.

And so, eventually, he decided to go with the instinct. Ryan hesitated for not more than another second before he crossed the distance between himself and the couch. “Come on, let’s get you somewhere more comfortable that this,” he said quietly as he forced his partner to sit up. Esposito frowned, mumbling something in response, but didn’t fight back. Ryan wasn’t surprised by that either. Most likely, even in his alcohol-fogged mind, Esposito had known all the time that sooner or later, he would show up and take things into his own hands. That was what partners did for each other after all.

It cost him a lot of energy and struggling, but eventually, Ryan managed to guide his partner into his bedroom, get him into the bed and tightly wrap him into his thick blanket. He stayed by the other man’s side until he was sure Esposito had drifted off again. Then, as quietly as possible, he started to clean the mess of an apartment. Satisfied with his work, he settled down on the couch, more than willing to allow himself a couple of hours of sleep after days with a lack of this. He was still worried, still felt the strong urge to question his friend, to make him open up. Ryan didn’t know how far down into the darkness of his mind Esposito had fallen, and if he could pull him back to the surface so easily. But he was determined to give it a try, even if he had to spend the next couple of nights on his best friend’s couch. The awkwardness, caused by their encounter a few weeks ago, didn’t matter. They had promised to be by each other’s side, and he would do exactly that for him.

\----------------------

By the time he woke up the next morning, Ryan needed a moment to remember his location and figure out how long he had slept. It was still dark outside, only the city lights of New York finding their way inside. A short glance at his watch though proved that morning was already rapidly approaching. He knew he had another few hours until he had to return to the precinct, another few hours to figure out what to do next.

At least part of this question was answered as a noise across the room caught his attention and caused him to spin around. He found Esposito leaning in the doorway, watching him with a strange mix of confusion and understanding. He still looked exhausted, but at least seemed to be more or less sober again. Both stared in silence, in some odd way managing to communicate with each other as they did so. He knew he was welcome, and wouldn’t be kicked out, but could feel his partner’s hesitation and embarrassment as well.

“When’d you come over?” Esposito asked eventually, his voice thick with sleep and exhaustion. Slowly, hesitantly, he made his way over to the couch, sank down into the cushions, at its other end. No words could have been clearer than his body language, which perfectly displayed the overwhelming mix of emotions he was currently dealing with.

“Couple of hours ago,” Ryan answered calmly. He knew people like him: in situations like this, one wrong word could scare them off, and the walls that had been created to protect them from getting hurt would keep everyone, even the closest friend, out permanently. If he wanted to get anywhere, wanted to get through to his partner, whom he believed hadn’t felt so exposed, so vulnerable in a very long time, he had to choose his words carefully. Asking whether or not he was welcome was unnecessary: he could feel the answer.

And so, he decided to wait instead. For minutes, that felt like eternity, neither of them spoke a word, or even made eye contact. Esposito stared ahead, seeming to debate with himself. Ryan allowed him to sort his thoughts, to decide how much he wanted to say, how much he wanted to explain. Pushing wouldn’t get him anywhere.

“Why are you here?” Esposito asked eventually, his voice so quiet Ryan could barely hear him. “To ask what’s wrong with me? Or to lure me back to work?”

“Neither.” He shrugged. “You don’t exactly look like going back to work is an option right now. And what’s wrong with you? Guess I know that already, too.”

“Oh yeah?” his partner asked, cold sarcasm filling his voice. “You do?”

Ryan sighed in response. “I’m not saying I know what it’s like. Or what’s going on in your mind. But I’m not stupid, man. I know you long enough to see when something’s wrong. And don’t say it’s not. Remember what you told Beckett. Same applies for you, if you wanna admit it or not.”

Snapping around, Esposito fixed his gaze on him, for a moment looking like he was about to argue, to deny. With a sigh of his own though, he sank back against the couch, shrugging as well. “Fantastic, huh?” he said quietly. “All those years that passed...all those hours and hours of therapy...and it still keeps on happening. Just like that. You think the nightmare’s over, and then you get dragged right back into it. I could give advice for Beckett, could even help her with that, but can’t do the same for myself.”

“A trauma’s not gone just ‘cause you went to see a therapist,” Ryan stated.

Esposito offered a painful smile. “Yeah, true indeed. And now what? I’m gonna have to do it all again? Go see them for another round of sessions? Gates’ll be thrilled to hear that now that Beckett’s getting back to normal, I’m the next to spiral out of control.”

“No one says that’s gonna happen,” Ryan replied. He hesitated before he added, “And...no one needs to know either.”

Esposito’s eyebrows raised in confusion. “What’d you mean?”

“Well, you learnt your coping mechanisms, right?” Ryan asked back. “You do know how to deal with this. You’ve gone through such phases more than once. The case brought a lot of that shit back to the surface, but maybe…maybe you just need some time to deal with it. To get over it. Maybe you don’t need a therapist. Maybe you just...need someone who listens. Someone who helps you through this.”

“Someone like you?” Esposito offered a weak smile in response. “Is that what you’re trying to say? You’re gonna help me through this?”

“If you want me to, sure,” he said. “And don’t be too humble to ask for help. I’m just gonna show up here until you stop being stupid. You know how stubborn I can be if I want to.” His smile softened. “It’s what friends do, right? Gates might need to know that something’s up, but I’m pretty sure I can convince her that you just need some time. It’s gonna be alright.”

Esposito didn’t reply right away. In silence, he stared back at him, and Ryan couldn’t deny he wanted to know what was going on inside his partner’s mind. He had made the offer, now it was his friend’s turn to take it.

“You sure you wanna do that?” he asked after yet another endless while. “I mean, spending so much time with me while I’m like...this? Remember what happened last time we did that.”

“I don’t care,” Ryan answered, not hesitating for even a single second. “I really don’t, man. I’m gonna help you through this. And no one needs to know.”

Esposito considered his offer once again. Then, he finally nodded. “Fine,” he stated. “And how are you gonna do that? Sit here, hold my hand and make sure I’m not gonna do something stupid?”

“You mean like drowning your problems rather than talking about them?” Ryan wanted to know. “I’m not gonna sit here and babysit you, man. At least one of us gotta work anyway. But if you need me...I’m here. Just...try not to drown it all. It’s not gonna work, and you know that. If you feel bad, or if you wanna talk...just call me.”

Esposito gave him a disbelieving look. “So what? You’re gonna play therapist between working crime scenes?”

“Just do it, okay?” Ryan replied, ignoring the comment. Knowing that his friend had understood and every further discussion wouldn’t lead anywhere, he nodded towards the kitchen. “You’re hungry? Bet you didn’t eat anything decent in days.”

“And don’t think I want now,” he said.

Ryan shrugged. “Not my problem. I wanna have breakfast, so I’m gonna make some. We’ll see if you still stick with that opinion.”

Esposito didn’t reply, didn’t seem like he wanted to argue either though. Ryan knew his best friend good enough to understand that he was willing to give the plan a try, and right now, that was everything he cared for.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I DON’T own anyone or anything. I DON’T own the characters. The fanfic is written for fun, NOT for profit.

By the time he had headed to work, Ryan hoped that Esposito had understood, would no longer try to get over his problems all by himself. The man was used to that, and he couldn’t blame him. His partner had learnt a long time ago to take care of himself, that too many revealed emotions would eventually harm him. Things had changed though. Esposito wasn’t in danger, and he wasn’t alone anymore either. Ryan wanted to be there, to offer support, and he would do so.

Alcohol was no solution. Hiding in his place, torturing himself with painful thoughts wasn’t either. Ryan hadn’t missed the haunted expression in Esposito’s eyes, but so far, he hadn’t dared to ask about it. His friend would make the step eventually, would open up. But he had to make said step on his own. He had brought his point across earlier, and it was up to his partner to make the next step, when he was ready for it.

Their earlier conversation and his stay at Esposito’s place didn’t change though that Ryan’s mind kept on drifting elsewhere instead of focusing on work. He had approached Gates shortly after he had arrived a couple of hours ago. She was the only one who in fact needed to know about Esposito's struggling, and Ryan had made sure to bring across that his friend would be fine, if he got the time he needed.

Despite his expectations, Gates had been fine with that and, like usually, hadn't wasted more words than necessary on the topic. Castle and Beckett though didn't have to know. They would ask questions, would be worried, and would try to interfere: nothing that would be helpful at the moment. Should they focus on their own problems, he thought. They had enough of those anyway.

And so, the hours passed, and after the first of them, Ryan slowly managed to get back into his usual work rhythm. A case was a good kind of distraction, even when the needed evidence wouldn't give them the much needed clue that would eventually help them to solve the case. The fact that during those hours his phone didn't even ring once didn't relieve him as much as it was supposed to though. No calls didn't necessarily mean that everything was okay, and he made a mental note that halfway through his shift, he would call Esposito, to check if the man was okay. Or at least to check if he was more or less sticking to his promise.

His friend chose to cross his plans though. Ryan almost missed the soft ringing of his phone. As he blindly reached for it though, about to answer it, the ringing stopped, as suddenly as it had started. In confusion, he stared at the phone in his hand, eyebrows raised. His caller hadn't bothered to stay on the line for longer than a couple of seconds, and he couldn't deny the caller's identity fitted to such an action.

Feeling slight nervousness constantly rising deep within him, Ryan called the displayed, all too familiar number and impatiently listened to the dial tone.

“Come on,” he hissed, his discomfort increasing by the second. “Answer the damn phone!”

An endlessly long minute passed until the nagging tone was finally interrupted. Esposito's voice was so quiet Ryan could barely understand him. “Hey man,” he replied. “What'd you do? Why'd you hang up on me that fast?”

“Sorry,” was the slow, emotionless response. “Called you by mistake.”

“Yeah, sure.” Ryan rolled his eyes, wondering if his partner really thought he was that easy to fool. “What happened? Why'd you really call me?”

“Doesn't matter.” Esposito sighed. “Sorry, man. Didn't mean to interrupt you, okay? Just go back to work. I'm fine.”

“You totally are. Never been better, huh?” Ryan could feel his impatience rapidly increasing, along with his concern. This side of his friend was new to him. They had both been at a low point in the past, but never before, his friend had acted like this, had never been so unpredictable, so uncontrollable. He believed he knew him, but even he had his problem with figuring out what the other man would do next.

“I thought we had this already,” he said then. “Calling by mistake...you're kidding me? Stop the silly games and tell me what happened.”

“Nothing happened,” Esposito answered, and at least this part didn't seem to be a complete lie. He paused, and Ryan could almost physically feel him struggling with himself. So badly, he wanted to be able to encourage his friend, to take the fear away from him which was so much part of his character. He had a problem with getting over himself, with tearing down those walls that were supposed to protect him. Before he could say anything further though, his partner sighed again.

“It's just...” he whispered, and Ryan could hear that he was at the edge of giving in. Just a little more. Just another push into the right direction.

“What is it?” he asked softly.

Another, seemingly endless pause. “I don't know,” he eventually said. “I...just don't know. I can't...”

Those few words that made absolutely no sense were all he needed to hear. His friend's struggling voice caused his heart to ache in a way he hadn't experienced often yet. Closing his eyes to stay focused, Ryan took a deep breath and asked, “Do you want me to come home?”

He didn't get an answer, but he knew: in this case, no answer said more than a million words. “Okay, I'm on my way,” he said.

Snapping the phone shut, he closed his eyes once again, leaning heavily against the kitchen's dining table. Things were complicated, he knew that, and he had no idea if heading home would change anything at all. Esposito was a stubborn man, and in some ways, he could understand his behaviour. Something deep within him seemed to be hoping for help though, and he was going after even the smallest of chances.

Taking a deep breath, he left the kitchen and headed straight for Beckett's desk. She and her constant follower looked up as he stopped in front of them, slightly unsure on how to wiggle his way out of the situation without being asked too many questions.

“I...you'd be okay to take care of that case alone this time?” he asked, using his best exhausted voice. “'Cause...seems like I'm not feeling so well either. Should maybe go home and make sure it's not turning into...something like the flu.”

“First Esposito, now you?” Castle raised his eyebrows in this questioning way that earned him frequent eye rolls of annoyance. “Anything going on here that we should know about?”

Beckett's face didn't even flinch, but he spotted something in her eyes that made him nervous. She hadn't said much when Gates had announced that Esposito would stay away from the precinct for a while due to not feeling well enough, but Ryan didn't know whether or not the detective had actually noticed that something really hadn't been alright with their partner. Unlike Castle, who wouldn't shy away from voicing his thoughts right away, though, she had stayed quiet. The expression in her eyes now told him she wasn't as clueless as he had thought and hoped her to be.

“You didn't catch what he has?” she asked, ignoring Castle's curious look. As he shook his head, she added, “Then you better hurry up, get into a nice, warm bed. We'll take care of this.” Her eyes stayed focused on his for a moment longer than necessary before she turned back to what she had been doing. 

Not waiting for any further response from the writer, Ryan headed for Gates' office next. He had barely opened his mouth to repeat his earlier lie though when she raised a disbelieving eyebrow at him, in a way that made him shut up instantly.

“I'm sorry, Detective, but do you think I'm going to fall for such a lame excuse?” she wanted to know. “You're feeling perfectly fine, so unless you want me to deny your wish to go home, you tell me what's the real reason behind that wish.”

“Sorry, Sir.” Clearing his throat, he straightened himself a little more, hating how she still managed to get under his skin like that. “Um...I gotta leave 'cause...Esposito just called and...” His voice trailed off, realising that he had no idea how to explain what made perfect sense to him to someone rational like the Captain.

“I see,” Gates said before he got the chance to make another attempt. “Well, in all honesty, can you assure me that you know what you're doing? That this situation can be resolved without me having to interfere? You do know that...”

“Yeah, of course,” Ryan interrupted her, wincing slightly as he realised his bold move. When she didn't tell him off for the interruption though, he continued, “We all know those cases that get to us, and some of those can throw you off balance for a while. But eventually, we all manage to bounce back, right? Detective Esposito is a professional man. The case shook him up a little, that's all. All he needs is some time. I know him, Sir. He's gonna be fine.”

Gates nodded slowly. She considered his words for a moment, and he was almost sure she looked hesitant. As her eyes met his again though, the familiar clarify could be seen in them; if there was a person who knew what she was doing and stood behind her decisions, it was the Captain. He had feared this feature of hers in the beginning, but in situations like this, it was welcome, he had to admit.

“Fine,” she stated eventually. “I'm going to sit still for now. I demand that you're honest with me though, Detective. If you have the slightest doubt that he's capable of returning to normal duty, I want to be informed of that.”

“Of course, Sir,” he answered, convinced he'd have agreed with pretty much everything at this point.

Gates nodded again. “Then what exactly are you waiting for, Detective?” she asked, turning her attention back to the papers on her desk.

“Yeah...okay. Thanks,” he said, hurrying out of her office before she could change her mind.

By the time he arrived at Esposito's place, the precinct, the co-workers and the case were forgotten. Quietly, Ryan let himself into the apartment. He didn't need long to find his friend, motionless sitting on his living room couch. Upright this time, he had wrapped a blanket firmly around himself, had pressed himself into one corner of the couch and was staring ahead with a blank expression that didn't respond to his visitor at all.

And once again, Ryan paused, his mind fighting against his instinct. Said rational mind was the one that made him hesitate. What was he supposed to say? What would work best at getting through to his friend? Which words would comfort him the most, and how did one handle such a situation in the first place?

Then, there was his instinct, his heart, and it told him he knew the man in front of him just as good as he knew himself. There was no need to worry, no need to hesitate, as long as he listened to his heart, and just went for what it was telling him.

Eventually, the heart won over his mind, and all doubts were pushed aside as he made his way through the room, over to the couch. He didn't speak a single word as he joined his partner, moved closer, slid under the blanket as well. One hand came to rest on the man's arm as he patiently waited, eyes focused on his friend, waiting for him to finally break through those walls that were supposed to keep them apart.

He didn't have to wait long. Esposito didn't look up as he started to speak, his voice not more than a whisper at first. “You'd think seeing a therapist for months would actually help,” he stated quietly. “That somewhere along the line, you'd be over it. But then, without a warning really, they come back. The nightmares, you know? You still got them. You got phases. Most of the time, you're good. But then, you suddenly wake up at night, all sweaty and scared, and you know you're not even close to being fine.” Closing his eyes, he shook his head. “Never thought I'd get to this point again. Never thought that a case of all things would do this to me.”

“Well, look at Beckett...” Ryan pointed out.

“Beckett,” Esposito repeated, in the same slow, seemingly emotionless voice. “She's not even halfway through what I had to do to function again. And now...in moments like this, it feels like it was for nothing.” He paused, his expression turning even more painful, in a way Ryan could barely handle. “Beckett. You heard what she said to the ex-sniper? If he feels like God when he's taking down his targets.”

His voice trailed off again, but Ryan didn't need to hear more. “She's not thinking that way about you,” he said softly, but Esposito shook his head.

“Why not? 'Cause I'm a friend?” He sighed deeply, but it didn't seem to give him any relief. “I've killed as well, you know? Took down enemies to protect us. People seem to forget what we gotta do when to keep our promise to protect our country. She's been right when she said that while the sniper's far away for his target, it doesn't feel that way for the shooter himself. You see that person right in front of you. But they've no idea what hit them when you pull the trigger at them, 'cause they got no idea you're even there.”

Releasing another labored sigh, Esposito shook his head again. “Can you imagine what it's like? To live with this? With what I had to do? With what I had to see? You try to forget, to get over it, but you can't. It's always somewhere in there, in your head. I tried to help Beckett. I said she shouldn't see it as a weakness but make it a strength. Funny how you can give advice to someone, but how you can't even make it work for yourself.” He rubbed his eyes that looked as tired and haunted as ever, in a way that made Ryan shiver. He knew he was allowed to see a side of his partner which only his therapist had been allowed to approach so far. What he saw was so dark, to full of pain that it caused a thick lump in his throat which he couldn't get rid of. In silence, he waited for his friend to continue, knowing that whatever he would say wouldn't be more than senseless, empty phrases.

“I still remember,” Esposito continued then, staring blankly into space again. “The sound of gunshots. The shouting. How you don't have a restless night 'cause you're constantly on alert. How you run around with a constant fear that around the next corner, there's an enemy, or that a sniper of the other side has his attention focused on you and your guys already. The smell of blood. All the images. The way it feels like to pull the trigger at someone and kill them with it.” He tensed as he had to pause again. “And you know what? No pill, no therapist can make you forget that. You'll be good, and then you'll fall into a black hole again. But never mind, you'll crawl back out, for another good phase, until you fall again.” He chuckled sadly. “You don't have to worry, you know? 'Cause give me a few days and I'll be back in control. I'll be just fine. Like always. 'Cause it's what I do. But that shit's still there, in my mind, and I cannot tell when it's gonna come back to the surface, and what makes it return.”

Speechless by the brutal honesty of Esposito's words, Ryan said nothing in response. In silence, he stared back at his friend, who still didn't dare to look at him. What he saw was enough though, and for once, he believed he was truly able to see right into the other man's soul. He had always known that there was a lot beneath the surface, but hadn't been prepared for how much pain was hidden down there. The worst was the fact that nothing and no one, him included, could do anything, because nothing and no one could erase memories. His friend could only learn to live with them, to keep himself up and walking as good as possible. All he could do was being right by his side, catching him when he was about to fall, and never before, he had been more determined to do exactly that.

Before he knew what he was doing, Ryan had moved even closer, reached out and wrapped an arm around Esposito's shoulders. His partner tensed again, but eventually gave in and heavily leaned into him. The closeness sent a strong rush of warmth through him, and instinctively, he held on more firmly. Only now, he realised how desperate he was himself, how much he wanted to help his friend to get rid of those demons that refused so firmly to disappear. Esposito wasn't shivering, wasn't crying, in fact wasn't doing anything at all. The way he was basically clinging to him though told Ryan how much he needed him, needed this. Them.

And from this point on, things seemed to move just naturally. Neither of them knew who made the next step, and neither of them cared as their lips met in a first, soothing kiss. It just happened, and Ryan didn't bother to be surprised by how right it felt. Neither did Esposito, who eventually had stopped hiding, had stopped holding back. There was no awkwardness, not even hesitation as they kissed, held on to each other, and firmly ignored that a world out there still existed. They had had an agreement, but it didn't seem appropriate any longer. Both men acted on instinct, and once again, it seemed to be the right choice for the both of them.


End file.
